I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You left your phone here
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