Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I think my moral compass just broke
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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