It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
