I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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