I wish life had little blips of pornography
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
