God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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