i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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