Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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