He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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