Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize