dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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