she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
