and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize