pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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