the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
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