OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
