i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
