Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize