Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Alive.
So much puke
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
