I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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