How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
