Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
