The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
