You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
