My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
