Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
