halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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