Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Randomize
