Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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