So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
No subtext here. People are naked.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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