I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
