I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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