All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
