I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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