Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
