You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
