and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
