i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
