Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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