VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Randomize
