What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
