I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
