I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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