Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
