I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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