she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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