Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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