I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
