Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
