theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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