she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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