Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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