my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
