Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
