I should be sponsored by Trojan
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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