peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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