the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
