I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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