I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize