and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
