I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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