She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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