I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Randomize
