shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
