i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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