"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
