yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
