I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
