i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
