I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize