you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
