Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize