Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
