new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Randomize
