Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize