Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
