Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
