Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
